• A manicure
  • A pedicure
  • A massage – especially to loosen the knot in my left shoulder blade
  • A brezen (German pretzel)
  • Sunflower seed bread (from Bakhaus Weiss in Hallbergmoos) with avo
  • A head massage
  • A walk on the beach
  • Lie in a hammock with my book
  • Scrapbook a few pages
  • Cuddle with my kitties
  • Water my garden
  • Watch the birds visiting the feeder
  • A chat with my dd
  • Seeing the Alps
  • A stroll around Freising
  • A visit to Koenigsee … ahhh, on my most favourite places on earth.
  • chat with my Dad
  • have my hair coloured (have my appointment for Saturday)
  • Be over the issues we’re going through with the 13 year old
  • Take a walk in a forest
I think I need some time in nature … and for some reason, when I feel that way I miss Germany most.  I miss walking down by the river … riding my bicycle with the kids in tow … taking them to the playground … or a walk behind the cow shed and down by the stream.  I miss the sense of safety we had there.  I miss being able to walk deserted paths and not have to fear for your life because you can’t see another human. 
Moreover I think it’s more a sense of wanting to get back to a point where my life made sense, or where I last remember actually beingin ‘control’, or feeling that I was in control, whether it be on my life, my future, my children – but I seem to have walked around with a  sense of my life ‘being up in the air’ since the split.
The last 6 months have been the hardest since I returned.  I honestly did not realise just how depressed I was since my daughter left and how much it shook my little one’s.  How deep their sense of loss has been.  How big a gaping hole was left, how huge the power struggle was going to be with missy. 
Chatting with the psychologist has been interesting in that I realise that Missy just does not realise how tough my relationship with Miz T was, how we battled, struggled with each other.  Her perception of our relationship is so far from reality and it astounds me.
Then the whole issue with Missy and what led to her seeing the psychologist, and now the possibility of her being unstable and trying to get it diagnosed and the reality of the treatment that she may need and that it’s a life long thing to maintain – it has rocked me to the core. 
But there’s a sense of ‘it’s okay’ too – He‘s never left me yet, it was just me who slipped off the path and if I’d listened when I was being called to the House, this would not have rocked me as greatly as it has.
Slowly, day by day, I’m getting my house back in order.

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1 Comment on What I could do with right now …

  1. cat
    25 June 2010 at 12:59 (12 years ago)

    Nature is healing – I think that is why you yearn for it. I hope you feel better soon.